Eldest daughter woes 😮💨
Being an eldest daughter and a 누나 (“noona,” or older sister) has been a huge part of my identity.
I mean, how could it not? My earliest life memory is when I was 4 years old sitting in our Seoul apartment, wearing a ballet tutu and my Minnie Mouse headband, bottle-feeding my 6-month-old brother.
It’s almost like my life began when my brother was born and I became a noona, according to my memory.
From a young age, I embraced the nurturer role, and two key life events cemented this:
At 7, when my family immigrated to the States, I became the de facto translator and second parent.
At 10, when my second brother was born, I truly took on the role of a second mom.
Seeing the concept of “eldest daughter syndrome” go viral recently, I felt both seen and exhausted. We eldest daughters often carry so much.
We often carry an intense sense of responsibility and extremely high expectations for ourselves, anticipating the needs of everyone else, taking care of our siblings, and problem solving for the family. Which can lead to overachieving tendencies, anxiety, people-pleasing, boundary struggles, and guilt.
Boundaries, Guilt, and #NotYoMama Energy
During the first trimester of my pregnancy a year ago, I learned my first lesson from my son in the womb: boundaries 😮💨.
At the time, I noticed myself being pulled back in as the “fixer” of family issues, taking on the burden of problem solving for my younger brothers and parents. For a few weeks, it felt like my life revolved around their lives. All while juggling my own responsibilities at work, managing morning sickness and first semester anxieties, and processing this new identity as a mother-to-be.
It was around then when my friend (also a daughter of immigrants) introduced me to the mantra “#notyomama”. 😂
It means I’m not yo mama so I’m not responsible for fulfilling all the maternal, nurturing expectations placed on me. I realized just how much I had assumed the role of a second mother to my adult brothers—something that was expected of me and taken for granted as the eldest daughter in my immigrant family.
My son’s spirit seemed to remind me, “You’re my mama, not theirs!”
Learning this lesson in boundaries became essential as I prepared for motherhood and was determined to break the cycle of self-sacrifice in my maternal lineage. By putting myself first, I can be there for my son and loved ones while creating space for my truth and expression.
Speaking Your Truth as an Eldest Daughter
How can your upbringing as an eldest daughter of immigrants show up in your journey?
Feeling guilty about expressing your true self and desires
Reading the room and self-silencing to keep the peace
Taking on other people’s problems (especially family members) and feeling the pressure to fix it for them
Being the family’s manager or de facto 2nd or 3rd parent
These are common challenges that I help my clients with. But ALSO I help you embrace your lived experiences as a strength and own them as a superpower.
As an eldest daughter, your lived experiences made you resilient, empathetic, adaptable, and a natural advocate for others. You’re a trailblazer.
Imagine the peace you could feel by authentically expressing yourself freely and fully, without the guilt.
If you’re ready to finally put yourself first and express your desires and needs unapologetically, join me. I’d love to support you.
Rooting for you,
Eunice
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Hi 👋🏼 I'm Eunice (she/her).
I’m a Somatic Business Coach for visionary daughters of immigrants, entrepreneurs, and creatives. I help you embody your brilliance, shine unapologetically, and create a thriving business and life you love, without burning out. ❤️🔥
Learn more about me & my 1:1 coaching.
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